My heart is heavy because I need to walk away and I know that as I do I leave precious pieces of myself in little drops, like blood, drip dripping down my fingertips. Looking back I feel guilty that maybe they'll leave stains that won't come out and I want to go back and get on my knees to scrub them off. But instead I keep walking, ever so slowly, because that is all I can muster...knowing that this is only making a bigger mess. In the distance I see the tops of Palm trees swaying in the wind, and a sun that is setting on a beach. I want to be there instead of the concrete pavement where I stand today. Looking forward all I see are deep reds and dark blues swirling in between shades of black and gray. There is no landscape. Family is scattered. Friends are missing. I am not whole. There is a gaping hole where I last felt my heart beating. There is pain where there were thoughts. There is anguish where before I had tears. All is miserable. There is so much confusion, the only thing I can do is take one step in front of the other and hope that there will be something below my foot. My fingers are numb. They reach for my lips and feel them swollen, my tongue is hanging, my teeth are loose, my gums are sore, my throat is bleeding, my cheeks are swollen, my eyes are discolored, my hair has fallen out, my scalp is scabbed, my shoulders hard, my muscles stiff, my arms are heavy, my stomach cramps, my pelvis cracked, my uterus is empty, my legs ache, my feet are blistered, my back is bent...

Union College

I’m so sick to my stomach. I’m trying to sleep on the bus but the echoes of the voices of these students still bounce in my head. You know, I did this so that I could be a voice for those silenced, to be the tough hide for those that need to burrow in my skin. In my mind I know that I could take the beatings. I never questioned my strength or muscle. I’ll spread the message that God loves all, no matter what. That queer people aren’t sick and sinful. That hatred, discrimination, and the marginalizing and oppressing of this beautiful group of people are the real sins. And then I end up speaking against racism, and ableism, and sexism. But it’s the racism that gets me most of all.

For the past three stops we’ve been in the Mid-west. SBU really left me with a sour taste in my mouth and I haven’t been the same since. A white college student writes to me and tells me that she’s not racist and that it’s not their fault that they have an apathetic minority population. This is after I explained why this comment (previously from someone else’s mouth) was racist. How can I have hope for our queer siblings on this campus if the campus can’t even grasp the concept of discrimination in the first place?

So I carried this into Union College yesterday. We sat in small groups and the facilitator took over 15 minutes of our precious hour with students (that administration had so graciously allotted) going over rules of conversation. I felt the pressure of having to condense a two hour conversation with one person into a half hour conversation with 12 people. As soon as one girl said “lifestyle choice” I thought I was about to lose it. I tried to explain why this wasn’t appropriate, but she had a response for everything I said. My body literally felt like it was disconnecting with my mind. That’s when I knew I had reached my limit. In my head I thought, If it’s so damn appropriate why don’t straight people use it to describe their relationships? Ugh. Somehow I pushed through to the end answering questions with responses that I knew only led to more questions that we didn’t have time to address. Who do we point the finger at? The administration and faculty that don’t talk about these topics in school, that perpetuate stereotypes and offensive language, and that shut the door when opportunities present themselves? In my opinion the fault also lies on these students. They are old enough to read the Scripture themselves, to look up resources, to get various opinions on the matter, to make friends with that queer person on campus, to ask questions…instead they hold to their parents’ and pastors’ out-dated bigoted beliefs without verifying any information on their own. Without getting to know the person. Is it so scary to befriend your enemy? You might learn that the enemy is misinformation.

A choice. Yeah, a choice. I choose to be with the person that I fall madly in love with. The person that locks eyes on me from across the room to give me strength when I’m scared. The person that I will hold at night when their past comes to haunt their dreams. The person that I will bicker with when we’re short on money. The person I will laugh with until late at night because what they say and how they say it tickles me on the inside and I haven’t laughed this hard in all my life it seems. The person that will be there the day we adopt our child and bring them home to be nurtured with all the love of two mothers. The person that will hold my hand and give me strength if someday a doctors’ words don’t seem to make sense. The person that as we grow will smile at me because walking slowly through the supermarket is our favorite thing to do.

Passions? What passions. You don’t marry a person because the only thing you feel is passion (or at least not in the case of the people I know). You marry them because they are your perfect fit. Because when the world confuses or frustrates you that person is the only person that is capable of doing the only thing that will soften your heart and at the same time strengthen your core. You marry them because you see a beautiful future together. Because when heart is against heart you swear they share a beat. Because when you look into their eyes there just isn’t anyone else, period, ever. You marry and when parents pass away and family moves away, you know you will not endure it alone. You know this in every breath of your being, you don’t need a paper from the court.

I see my friends on the Ride and it hurts me the things they have endured. I’d rather take it on myself than see it one more time poured on them. Cait and Jennifer, may God bless your union. Don’t justify your relationship and your love to anyone. You both are beautiful and your smiles are contagious. Mia, my brave and courageous friend. I don’t have words for how you empower the rest of us to walk proudly. My dearest Amanda, I weep my apologies on behalf of the world to you… Big brother Nick, who reminds us of what true friendship and service and love is every day. I could go on, but I’m already crying. How can people see this suffering, know they are a part of it, and continue hurting people?

What kind of society do we live in where we walk past homeless people without looking at them? Without handing them a quarter and a smile? What kind of faith do we have when we look at people that are marginalized and oppressed with indifference and apathy? How presumptuous are we to tell others how they should love and with who? What kind of Christians are we that if Jesus walked through our airport today he would be flagged as a potential terrorist and pulled aside to be interrogated? What have we become? Tearing at each other, beating each other with stones and words, and closing our minds to the experiences of others simply because we don’t understand. Wasn’t this one of the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah? Maybe God should come and wipe us away and start over. I’m sad. I’m disheartened. It is painful to watch my siblings be torn down, ridiculed, called sick, and detestable to God. Who is speaking these words? Because my God, my Christ, instructed me to persevere for justice for the minority, for the marginalized, for those oppressed. Jesus taught me that we lose ourselves in the details of the law and forget that the most important thing is to love God with everything you have, and love your neighbor AS YOURSELF. How did we come so far from God that even our definitions of what love is differs from person to person and from perceived sin to perceived sin? How is it that we preach not to judge and yet we can’t see past the color of someone’s skin, the way they look, or who they claim to love?

When was the last time we admitted fault and took our fair share of responsibility in what is wrong with the world today?

Friday, October 03, 2008

Friday, October 03, 2008
it was only you and me


it was only you and me. sweet sixteen.

too young to know, too hurt to care. that's how I remember us.
turned each other's worlds around, but nothing to guide us

years later we're still hurting from the things we did to each other, because we didn't know any better. we were angry, we were scared. we were lonely, and bitter at the world. we didn't realize those things would stay within to haunt us.

so i hear you're still driving your girlfriend insane, and i just broke up with mine for the same reasons i left you. are we using the same excuses we did back then?

and we haven't talked in years and it's sad because i remember what you said to me when you were just 16. the wars we won against the world.

remember when we went to the beach, we found a bottle of wine and considered ourselves lucky. i stole your car and tried to learn how to drive...oh you were sooo angry....

do you remember the drive to the Keys? packed up clothes and packed up weed...and did what people always dream of doing. Just took off together.

we hurt each other so badly. i can't believe the things we did, the words we said. it was only you and me...

Friday, October 24, 2008

Friday, October 24, 2008
quid pro quo
i take a good fucking look and see that the wounds are healed. so then i head back for more. it's going to take more than pain, so i dig the knife in myself waiting for the steady stream ... but there's nothing because egos don't bleed.

Fuck It! i scream. but you don't hear me. you hear the million and one voices that carress you instead and that is the easier path to follow. so go do it. i can't judge. i'm doing the same. where i can rest my head at night and feel loved, feel safe. just don't put me in the same category.

where i was wandering happily, now i stumble and i struggle to find my place.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Heady Rhetoric of a Lover Bound in Desire
Heady rhetoric of a lover bound in desire.

Now I found my equal, mi otra media naranja.
Who, in the dark of the night, lets me wake her with kisses and calms the heat
that rises with the sun.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Friday, October 31, 2008
Sigh
:::sighs:::

Must be the fucking weather. Don't know whether I'm coming or going. Going to a party. Partying from now till Sunday. But even Sunday church won't take this away.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Proposition 8
My paper in response to the passing of Proposition 8:



The Constitution of the ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />United States and its accompanying document, the Bill of Rights, has given people comfort and security that their rights and liberties will be respected and protected. These freedoms that are held so dearly by the people of the nation are specified and expressed in the Constitution; however, they are made explicit in the Bill of Rights. The concomitant document has played a major role in securing individual freedoms throughout America's history for groups that were not always protected. Although the Bill of Rights has also been the one document that has helped maintain and uphold those liberties since its inception there are currently civil rights that have not been protected by the Bill of Rights, or recognized as necessary to protect, which makes obvious where interpretation lacks in the communication of the documents' purpose.

The Constitution of the United States was designed to make evident how the government should be run in terms of framework and logistics. It specifies the jobs of Congress, how many members it should have, how long members should be in office, and also safeguards the Constitution by specifying that only Congress can change the Constitution by way of ratification of an amendment (US Constitution, Article V, 1787). It gives specifics for the President and Vice President positions and speaks about taxes, jurisdictions, and includes all amendments, beginning with the Bill of Rights ratified in 1791. These first ten amendments were explicitly written because Jefferson stated one should not "trust assumed restraints, make the rights of the people explicit so that no government could ever lay hands on them" (USDS, n/d). The Founders understood the ties between the rights of the people and democracy and wanted to make sure that the Constitution would not be up for misinterpretation or misunderstanding. "The First Amendment Speech Clause, for example, is universally recognized as a foundation stone for free government" (USDS, n/d). Just as important as freedom, justice, such as in the right to a speedy trial (Amendment VI) or the rejection of excessive bail (Amendment VIII), lets democracy balance itself between what is important to the people and what is necessary for the nation. Equality, another concept framed by the Constitution, is also crucial to democracy as it motivates people to come together for common goals. This particular right is addressed in the fourteenth amendment where it orders that "No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws" (US Constitution, Fourteenth Amendment, 1868).

Although the US Constitution has played a large role in shaping present day law there have been some obvious gaps in civil rights law. The slave system, later segregation of, and racist denial of African American voting rights gave way to the acknowledgement of equality among races and the need to reinterpret and amend the Bill of Rights. There has also been an amendment to the Bill of Rights in regards to the rights of women, specifically to voting, which epitomizes the right of full citizenship. Amendments have made clear the need for a "living constitution" (USDS, n/d) as issues relating to civil rights have surged and swelled with the times. Changes necessary to the progression of a nation evolving to meet the needs of its people have had critical political importance.

It is my belief that this is the point where the interpretation and execution of the Bill of Rights breaks down and does not make evident the importance of the Framers' decisions for not defining marriage; it is an example of how the Bill of Rights has not secured individual freedoms for homosexual couples. Marriage is not mentioned in the U.S. Constitution because, as this is a religious sanction, the Framers did not believe it should be a right in and of itself, but a right within the freedom of worship given to all the people within the First Amendment which states that, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof" (Bill of Rights, 1791). It is the exemption of any limitations within this passage that has allowed religious liberty to continue and political policies forced to be all-inclusive.

Another example of how the Bill of Rights has not protected individual rights is in the various ways that amendments have been put to the vote. While there have been many proposing to ratify the Constitution by including that marriage should be between one man and one woman it has been stated that the fundamental purpose of a Bill of Rights was to remove certain inalienable rights from political controversy and "to place them beyond the reach of majorities and officials and to establish them as legal principles to be applied by the courts. One's right to life, liberty, and property, to free speech, to free press, freedom of worship and assembly, and other fundamental rights may not be submitted to vote; they depend on the outcome of no elections" (West Virginia Board of Education v. Barnette, 1943). Not only has marriage, essentially a religious right, become a political issue but it has been put to the vote to be determined and agreed upon by a majority. Recently California citizens voted and approved Proposition 8, the ban on gay marriage, that has left defenders rightly arguing that "gay marriage is a constitutional revision that should have been processed through Legislature, not the ballot box" (Miller, 2008).

The Constitution of the United States and the Bill of Rights were drawn up with certain ideals in mind. While the rights made evident in both documents have acted as safeguards against oppression and discrimination it is not perfect and open to various interpretations. It is also true that the processes toward equality have sometimes taken incredible amounts of time to pass because of misinterpretation and wrongful executing along the way. Although civil liberties and individual freedoms have come to pass to protect certain groups along history, at this moment not all groups are protected nor addressed and these truths act as a reminder of where both the Constitution and the Bill of Rights have not secured or guaranteed individual freedoms for all.





..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

























References



Miller, Cheryl. (2008). Fighting over voter-approved ban on gay marriage puts squeeze on california's chief justice. Retrieved on November 5, 2008, from: www.law.com



Rights of the people. (n.d.). Retrieved November 5, 2008, from http://usinfo.state.gov/products/pubs/rightsof/intod.htm



The Bill of Rights. Retrieved November 5, 2008, from: www.archives.gov



The Constitution of the United States. Retrieved November 5, 2008, from: http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/constitution.html