I’m so sick to my stomach. I’m trying to sleep on the bus but the echoes of the voices of these students still bounce in my head. You know, I did this so that I could be a voice for those silenced, to be the tough hide for those that need to burrow in my skin. In my mind I know that I could take the beatings. I never questioned my strength or muscle. I’ll spread the message that God loves all, no matter what. That queer people aren’t sick and sinful. That hatred, discrimination, and the marginalizing and oppressing of this beautiful group of people are the real sins. And then I end up speaking against racism, and ableism, and sexism. But it’s the racism that gets me most of all.
For the past three stops we’ve been in the Mid-west. SBU really left me with a sour taste in my mouth and I haven’t been the same since. A white college student writes to me and tells me that she’s not racist and that it’s not their fault that they have an apathetic minority population. This is after I explained why this comment (previously from someone else’s mouth) was racist. How can I have hope for our queer siblings on this campus if the campus can’t even grasp the concept of discrimination in the first place?
So I carried this into Union College yesterday. We sat in small groups and the facilitator took over 15 minutes of our precious hour with students (that administration had so graciously allotted) going over rules of conversation. I felt the pressure of having to condense a two hour conversation with one person into a half hour conversation with 12 people. As soon as one girl said “lifestyle choice” I thought I was about to lose it. I tried to explain why this wasn’t appropriate, but she had a response for everything I said. My body literally felt like it was disconnecting with my mind. That’s when I knew I had reached my limit. In my head I thought, If it’s so damn appropriate why don’t straight people use it to describe their relationships? Ugh. Somehow I pushed through to the end answering questions with responses that I knew only led to more questions that we didn’t have time to address. Who do we point the finger at? The administration and faculty that don’t talk about these topics in school, that perpetuate stereotypes and offensive language, and that shut the door when opportunities present themselves? In my opinion the fault also lies on these students. They are old enough to read the Scripture themselves, to look up resources, to get various opinions on the matter, to make friends with that queer person on campus, to ask questions…instead they hold to their parents’ and pastors’ out-dated bigoted beliefs without verifying any information on their own. Without getting to know the person. Is it so scary to befriend your enemy? You might learn that the enemy is misinformation.
A choice. Yeah, a choice. I choose to be with the person that I fall madly in love with. The person that locks eyes on me from across the room to give me strength when I’m scared. The person that I will hold at night when their past comes to haunt their dreams. The person that I will bicker with when we’re short on money. The person I will laugh with until late at night because what they say and how they say it tickles me on the inside and I haven’t laughed this hard in all my life it seems. The person that will be there the day we adopt our child and bring them home to be nurtured with all the love of two mothers. The person that will hold my hand and give me strength if someday a doctors’ words don’t seem to make sense. The person that as we grow will smile at me because walking slowly through the supermarket is our favorite thing to do.
Passions? What passions. You don’t marry a person because the only thing you feel is passion (or at least not in the case of the people I know). You marry them because they are your perfect fit. Because when the world confuses or frustrates you that person is the only person that is capable of doing the only thing that will soften your heart and at the same time strengthen your core. You marry them because you see a beautiful future together. Because when heart is against heart you swear they share a beat. Because when you look into their eyes there just isn’t anyone else, period, ever. You marry and when parents pass away and family moves away, you know you will not endure it alone. You know this in every breath of your being, you don’t need a paper from the court.
I see my friends on the Ride and it hurts me the things they have endured. I’d rather take it on myself than see it one more time poured on them. Cait and Jennifer, may God bless your union. Don’t justify your relationship and your love to anyone. You both are beautiful and your smiles are contagious. Mia, my brave and courageous friend. I don’t have words for how you empower the rest of us to walk proudly. My dearest Amanda, I weep my apologies on behalf of the world to you… Big brother Nick, who reminds us of what true friendship and service and love is every day. I could go on, but I’m already crying. How can people see this suffering, know they are a part of it, and continue hurting people?
What kind of society do we live in where we walk past homeless people without looking at them? Without handing them a quarter and a smile? What kind of faith do we have when we look at people that are marginalized and oppressed with indifference and apathy? How presumptuous are we to tell others how they should love and with who? What kind of Christians are we that if Jesus walked through our airport today he would be flagged as a potential terrorist and pulled aside to be interrogated? What have we become? Tearing at each other, beating each other with stones and words, and closing our minds to the experiences of others simply because we don’t understand. Wasn’t this one of the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah? Maybe God should come and wipe us away and start over. I’m sad. I’m disheartened. It is painful to watch my siblings be torn down, ridiculed, called sick, and detestable to God. Who is speaking these words? Because my God, my Christ, instructed me to persevere for justice for the minority, for the marginalized, for those oppressed. Jesus taught me that we lose ourselves in the details of the law and forget that the most important thing is to love God with everything you have, and love your neighbor AS YOURSELF. How did we come so far from God that even our definitions of what love is differs from person to person and from perceived sin to perceived sin? How is it that we preach not to judge and yet we can’t see past the color of someone’s skin, the way they look, or who they claim to love?
When was the last time we admitted fault and took our fair share of responsibility in what is wrong with the world today?
Friday, April 23, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Friday, October 03, 2008
Friday, October 03, 2008
it was only you and me
it was only you and me. sweet sixteen.
too young to know, too hurt to care. that's how I remember us.
turned each other's worlds around, but nothing to guide us
years later we're still hurting from the things we did to each other, because we didn't know any better. we were angry, we were scared. we were lonely, and bitter at the world. we didn't realize those things would stay within to haunt us.
so i hear you're still driving your girlfriend insane, and i just broke up with mine for the same reasons i left you. are we using the same excuses we did back then?
and we haven't talked in years and it's sad because i remember what you said to me when you were just 16. the wars we won against the world.
remember when we went to the beach, we found a bottle of wine and considered ourselves lucky. i stole your car and tried to learn how to drive...oh you were sooo angry....
do you remember the drive to the Keys? packed up clothes and packed up weed...and did what people always dream of doing. Just took off together.
we hurt each other so badly. i can't believe the things we did, the words we said. it was only you and me...
it was only you and me
it was only you and me. sweet sixteen.
too young to know, too hurt to care. that's how I remember us.
turned each other's worlds around, but nothing to guide us
years later we're still hurting from the things we did to each other, because we didn't know any better. we were angry, we were scared. we were lonely, and bitter at the world. we didn't realize those things would stay within to haunt us.
so i hear you're still driving your girlfriend insane, and i just broke up with mine for the same reasons i left you. are we using the same excuses we did back then?
and we haven't talked in years and it's sad because i remember what you said to me when you were just 16. the wars we won against the world.
remember when we went to the beach, we found a bottle of wine and considered ourselves lucky. i stole your car and tried to learn how to drive...oh you were sooo angry....
do you remember the drive to the Keys? packed up clothes and packed up weed...and did what people always dream of doing. Just took off together.
we hurt each other so badly. i can't believe the things we did, the words we said. it was only you and me...
Friday, October 24, 2008
Friday, October 24, 2008
quid pro quo
i take a good fucking look and see that the wounds are healed. so then i head back for more. it's going to take more than pain, so i dig the knife in myself waiting for the steady stream ... but there's nothing because egos don't bleed.
Fuck It! i scream. but you don't hear me. you hear the million and one voices that carress you instead and that is the easier path to follow. so go do it. i can't judge. i'm doing the same. where i can rest my head at night and feel loved, feel safe. just don't put me in the same category.
where i was wandering happily, now i stumble and i struggle to find my place.
quid pro quo
i take a good fucking look and see that the wounds are healed. so then i head back for more. it's going to take more than pain, so i dig the knife in myself waiting for the steady stream ... but there's nothing because egos don't bleed.
Fuck It! i scream. but you don't hear me. you hear the million and one voices that carress you instead and that is the easier path to follow. so go do it. i can't judge. i'm doing the same. where i can rest my head at night and feel loved, feel safe. just don't put me in the same category.
where i was wandering happily, now i stumble and i struggle to find my place.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Heady Rhetoric of a Lover Bound in Desire
Heady rhetoric of a lover bound in desire.
Now I found my equal, mi otra media naranja.
Who, in the dark of the night, lets me wake her with kisses and calms the heat
that rises with the sun.
Heady Rhetoric of a Lover Bound in Desire
Heady rhetoric of a lover bound in desire.
Now I found my equal, mi otra media naranja.
Who, in the dark of the night, lets me wake her with kisses and calms the heat
that rises with the sun.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
Sigh
:::sighs:::
Must be the fucking weather. Don't know whether I'm coming or going. Going to a party. Partying from now till Sunday. But even Sunday church won't take this away.
Sigh
:::sighs:::
Must be the fucking weather. Don't know whether I'm coming or going. Going to a party. Partying from now till Sunday. But even Sunday church won't take this away.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Proposition 8
My paper in response to the passing of Proposition 8:
The Constitution of the ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />United States and its accompanying document, the Bill of Rights, has given people comfort and security that their rights and liberties will be respected and protected. These freedoms that are held so dearly by the people of the nation are specified and expressed in the Constitution; however, they are made explicit in the Bill of Rights. The concomitant document has played a major role in securing individual freedoms throughout America's history for groups that were not always protected. Although the Bill of Rights has also been the one document that has helped maintain and uphold those liberties since its inception there are currently civil rights that have not been protected by the Bill of Rights, or recognized as necessary to protect, which makes obvious where interpretation lacks in the communication of the documents' purpose.
The Constitution of the United States was designed to make evident how the government should be run in terms of framework and logistics. It specifies the jobs of Congress, how many members it should have, how long members should be in office, and also safeguards the Constitution by specifying that only Congress can change the Constitution by way of ratification of an amendment (US Constitution, Article V, 1787). It gives specifics for the President and Vice President positions and speaks about taxes, jurisdictions, and includes all amendments, beginning with the Bill of Rights ratified in 1791. These first ten amendments were explicitly written because Jefferson stated one should not "trust assumed restraints, make the rights of the people explicit so that no government could ever lay hands on them" (USDS, n/d). The Founders understood the ties between the rights of the people and democracy and wanted to make sure that the Constitution would not be up for misinterpretation or misunderstanding. "The First Amendment Speech Clause, for example, is universally recognized as a foundation stone for free government" (USDS, n/d). Just as important as freedom, justice, such as in the right to a speedy trial (Amendment VI) or the rejection of excessive bail (Amendment VIII), lets democracy balance itself between what is important to the people and what is necessary for the nation. Equality, another concept framed by the Constitution, is also crucial to democracy as it motivates people to come together for common goals. This particular right is addressed in the fourteenth amendment where it orders that "No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws" (US Constitution, Fourteenth Amendment, 1868).
Although the US Constitution has played a large role in shaping present day law there have been some obvious gaps in civil rights law. The slave system, later segregation of, and racist denial of African American voting rights gave way to the acknowledgement of equality among races and the need to reinterpret and amend the Bill of Rights. There has also been an amendment to the Bill of Rights in regards to the rights of women, specifically to voting, which epitomizes the right of full citizenship. Amendments have made clear the need for a "living constitution" (USDS, n/d) as issues relating to civil rights have surged and swelled with the times. Changes necessary to the progression of a nation evolving to meet the needs of its people have had critical political importance.
It is my belief that this is the point where the interpretation and execution of the Bill of Rights breaks down and does not make evident the importance of the Framers' decisions for not defining marriage; it is an example of how the Bill of Rights has not secured individual freedoms for homosexual couples. Marriage is not mentioned in the U.S. Constitution because, as this is a religious sanction, the Framers did not believe it should be a right in and of itself, but a right within the freedom of worship given to all the people within the First Amendment which states that, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof" (Bill of Rights, 1791). It is the exemption of any limitations within this passage that has allowed religious liberty to continue and political policies forced to be all-inclusive.
Another example of how the Bill of Rights has not protected individual rights is in the various ways that amendments have been put to the vote. While there have been many proposing to ratify the Constitution by including that marriage should be between one man and one woman it has been stated that the fundamental purpose of a Bill of Rights was to remove certain inalienable rights from political controversy and "to place them beyond the reach of majorities and officials and to establish them as legal principles to be applied by the courts. One's right to life, liberty, and property, to free speech, to free press, freedom of worship and assembly, and other fundamental rights may not be submitted to vote; they depend on the outcome of no elections" (West Virginia Board of Education v. Barnette, 1943). Not only has marriage, essentially a religious right, become a political issue but it has been put to the vote to be determined and agreed upon by a majority. Recently California citizens voted and approved Proposition 8, the ban on gay marriage, that has left defenders rightly arguing that "gay marriage is a constitutional revision that should have been processed through Legislature, not the ballot box" (Miller, 2008).
The Constitution of the United States and the Bill of Rights were drawn up with certain ideals in mind. While the rights made evident in both documents have acted as safeguards against oppression and discrimination it is not perfect and open to various interpretations. It is also true that the processes toward equality have sometimes taken incredible amounts of time to pass because of misinterpretation and wrongful executing along the way. Although civil liberties and individual freedoms have come to pass to protect certain groups along history, at this moment not all groups are protected nor addressed and these truths act as a reminder of where both the Constitution and the Bill of Rights have not secured or guaranteed individual freedoms for all.
..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
References
Miller, Cheryl. (2008). Fighting over voter-approved ban on gay marriage puts squeeze on california's chief justice. Retrieved on November 5, 2008, from: www.law.com
Rights of the people. (n.d.). Retrieved November 5, 2008, from http://usinfo.state.gov/products/pubs/rightsof/intod.htm
The Bill of Rights. Retrieved November 5, 2008, from: www.archives.gov
The Constitution of the United States. Retrieved November 5, 2008, from: http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/constitution.html
Proposition 8
My paper in response to the passing of Proposition 8:
The Constitution of the ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />United States and its accompanying document, the Bill of Rights, has given people comfort and security that their rights and liberties will be respected and protected. These freedoms that are held so dearly by the people of the nation are specified and expressed in the Constitution; however, they are made explicit in the Bill of Rights. The concomitant document has played a major role in securing individual freedoms throughout America's history for groups that were not always protected. Although the Bill of Rights has also been the one document that has helped maintain and uphold those liberties since its inception there are currently civil rights that have not been protected by the Bill of Rights, or recognized as necessary to protect, which makes obvious where interpretation lacks in the communication of the documents' purpose.
The Constitution of the United States was designed to make evident how the government should be run in terms of framework and logistics. It specifies the jobs of Congress, how many members it should have, how long members should be in office, and also safeguards the Constitution by specifying that only Congress can change the Constitution by way of ratification of an amendment (US Constitution, Article V, 1787). It gives specifics for the President and Vice President positions and speaks about taxes, jurisdictions, and includes all amendments, beginning with the Bill of Rights ratified in 1791. These first ten amendments were explicitly written because Jefferson stated one should not "trust assumed restraints, make the rights of the people explicit so that no government could ever lay hands on them" (USDS, n/d). The Founders understood the ties between the rights of the people and democracy and wanted to make sure that the Constitution would not be up for misinterpretation or misunderstanding. "The First Amendment Speech Clause, for example, is universally recognized as a foundation stone for free government" (USDS, n/d). Just as important as freedom, justice, such as in the right to a speedy trial (Amendment VI) or the rejection of excessive bail (Amendment VIII), lets democracy balance itself between what is important to the people and what is necessary for the nation. Equality, another concept framed by the Constitution, is also crucial to democracy as it motivates people to come together for common goals. This particular right is addressed in the fourteenth amendment where it orders that "No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws" (US Constitution, Fourteenth Amendment, 1868).
Although the US Constitution has played a large role in shaping present day law there have been some obvious gaps in civil rights law. The slave system, later segregation of, and racist denial of African American voting rights gave way to the acknowledgement of equality among races and the need to reinterpret and amend the Bill of Rights. There has also been an amendment to the Bill of Rights in regards to the rights of women, specifically to voting, which epitomizes the right of full citizenship. Amendments have made clear the need for a "living constitution" (USDS, n/d) as issues relating to civil rights have surged and swelled with the times. Changes necessary to the progression of a nation evolving to meet the needs of its people have had critical political importance.
It is my belief that this is the point where the interpretation and execution of the Bill of Rights breaks down and does not make evident the importance of the Framers' decisions for not defining marriage; it is an example of how the Bill of Rights has not secured individual freedoms for homosexual couples. Marriage is not mentioned in the U.S. Constitution because, as this is a religious sanction, the Framers did not believe it should be a right in and of itself, but a right within the freedom of worship given to all the people within the First Amendment which states that, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof" (Bill of Rights, 1791). It is the exemption of any limitations within this passage that has allowed religious liberty to continue and political policies forced to be all-inclusive.
Another example of how the Bill of Rights has not protected individual rights is in the various ways that amendments have been put to the vote. While there have been many proposing to ratify the Constitution by including that marriage should be between one man and one woman it has been stated that the fundamental purpose of a Bill of Rights was to remove certain inalienable rights from political controversy and "to place them beyond the reach of majorities and officials and to establish them as legal principles to be applied by the courts. One's right to life, liberty, and property, to free speech, to free press, freedom of worship and assembly, and other fundamental rights may not be submitted to vote; they depend on the outcome of no elections" (West Virginia Board of Education v. Barnette, 1943). Not only has marriage, essentially a religious right, become a political issue but it has been put to the vote to be determined and agreed upon by a majority. Recently California citizens voted and approved Proposition 8, the ban on gay marriage, that has left defenders rightly arguing that "gay marriage is a constitutional revision that should have been processed through Legislature, not the ballot box" (Miller, 2008).
The Constitution of the United States and the Bill of Rights were drawn up with certain ideals in mind. While the rights made evident in both documents have acted as safeguards against oppression and discrimination it is not perfect and open to various interpretations. It is also true that the processes toward equality have sometimes taken incredible amounts of time to pass because of misinterpretation and wrongful executing along the way. Although civil liberties and individual freedoms have come to pass to protect certain groups along history, at this moment not all groups are protected nor addressed and these truths act as a reminder of where both the Constitution and the Bill of Rights have not secured or guaranteed individual freedoms for all.
..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
References
Miller, Cheryl. (2008). Fighting over voter-approved ban on gay marriage puts squeeze on california's chief justice. Retrieved on November 5, 2008, from: www.law.com
Rights of the people. (n.d.). Retrieved November 5, 2008, from http://usinfo.state.gov/products/pubs/rightsof/intod.htm
The Bill of Rights. Retrieved November 5, 2008, from: www.archives.gov
The Constitution of the United States. Retrieved November 5, 2008, from: http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/charters/constitution.html
Monday, December 22, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
a Time
I love you so much. When I lay my head on your chest, I can close my eyes and breathe you in and feel at peace...but it's just momentary. No matter how many times I breathe and talk myself down, the mess in my head will tumble back around and I have to put one foot on the floor to get my head straight. Yes. It's the same room, same bed, same pale blue eyes that I felt safe and secure just a bit ago. What happened?
It's that old-familiar itch. It's not you. I don't want this to sound like a cliche. It really is me. My head is elsewhere and I need to go look for it. I need to get away. Can't seem to feel well enough for much else.
You're on the road right now, and you won't read this for a very long time. You love me and you trust me and you still smile at the thought of me. I love that. I adore you. Your skin still draws me in, but I'm turned around looking for myself somewhere, somewhere I don't know. I don't know, baby. What do I do? And I can't tell you how much, how much I want to want to stay...
Maybe this is my way of reaching out. Fighting myself for the trophy of living a life without doubt, without regrets. But every day that passes takes more of something I have not yet grasped completely. Maybe you will never understand. How can a woman lay at your feet and love you like I do, and still feel so very empty? I don't understand it myself. It is the only constant I've ever known. The feeling of needing to love myself more and more.
Oh...I want to feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair...sink my toes in the sand again. A fleeting memory...
a Time
I love you so much. When I lay my head on your chest, I can close my eyes and breathe you in and feel at peace...but it's just momentary. No matter how many times I breathe and talk myself down, the mess in my head will tumble back around and I have to put one foot on the floor to get my head straight. Yes. It's the same room, same bed, same pale blue eyes that I felt safe and secure just a bit ago. What happened?
It's that old-familiar itch. It's not you. I don't want this to sound like a cliche. It really is me. My head is elsewhere and I need to go look for it. I need to get away. Can't seem to feel well enough for much else.
You're on the road right now, and you won't read this for a very long time. You love me and you trust me and you still smile at the thought of me. I love that. I adore you. Your skin still draws me in, but I'm turned around looking for myself somewhere, somewhere I don't know. I don't know, baby. What do I do? And I can't tell you how much, how much I want to want to stay...
Maybe this is my way of reaching out. Fighting myself for the trophy of living a life without doubt, without regrets. But every day that passes takes more of something I have not yet grasped completely. Maybe you will never understand. How can a woman lay at your feet and love you like I do, and still feel so very empty? I don't understand it myself. It is the only constant I've ever known. The feeling of needing to love myself more and more.
Oh...I want to feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair...sink my toes in the sand again. A fleeting memory...
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
futile
holding my head in hand. base strumming out emotions. piano keys pounding in my heart. calm. stillness. the voice i hear gives me dreams. comes to me in pulses.
my friend soothes me. my darling, you do what is necessary to put a smile on my face. frustration bubbles to the surface anyway and i take it out on my lover. i picture a beautiful face with tears and i crumble. oh, it's just so much easier to ache for someone cold and unrelenting.
another night comes and goes and i meet up with my past to create a different avenue for my pain.
futile
holding my head in hand. base strumming out emotions. piano keys pounding in my heart. calm. stillness. the voice i hear gives me dreams. comes to me in pulses.
my friend soothes me. my darling, you do what is necessary to put a smile on my face. frustration bubbles to the surface anyway and i take it out on my lover. i picture a beautiful face with tears and i crumble. oh, it's just so much easier to ache for someone cold and unrelenting.
another night comes and goes and i meet up with my past to create a different avenue for my pain.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Wither
She states the obvious and I state the obvious. The familiar sadness settles in my bones and I question myself yet again. She knows what is in my head. She makes me say it out loud, and I wonder if it's for her benefit or mine.
The air is stuffy but I can't move. I feel I can stay staring over her shoulder throughout the conversation where it is safe, but she's fidgeting and it jerks me back to her beautiful face; the last place I want my eyes to rest.
As always there is climax but no resolution. We talked ourselves breathless and there are still so many things unsaid. It is just easier to let it go for now. Now turns into tomorrow. Tomorrow turns into months.
I feel like I've been here before, and I know it's me again. There's nothing left to do but to sleep it off. This frustration that gnaws at my side. I wither slowly.
Wither
She states the obvious and I state the obvious. The familiar sadness settles in my bones and I question myself yet again. She knows what is in my head. She makes me say it out loud, and I wonder if it's for her benefit or mine.
The air is stuffy but I can't move. I feel I can stay staring over her shoulder throughout the conversation where it is safe, but she's fidgeting and it jerks me back to her beautiful face; the last place I want my eyes to rest.
As always there is climax but no resolution. We talked ourselves breathless and there are still so many things unsaid. It is just easier to let it go for now. Now turns into tomorrow. Tomorrow turns into months.
I feel like I've been here before, and I know it's me again. There's nothing left to do but to sleep it off. This frustration that gnaws at my side. I wither slowly.
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Reflections From "Tuesdays With Morrie" by Mitch Abrom
"Take any emotion - love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions - if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them - you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.
"But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, 'All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment'."
I believe in this. I believe in this wholly and completely. I believed in these words before I read them. When I read them they were familiar, like the words had appeared for my benefit, and to prove to me that I am correct. At least in this. At least in this belief. To push away time, and people, and judgements, and emotions. To absorb what is happening and throw myself into it, into the person, into the moment, into the place, into whatever I so choose to be absorbed by.
I believe that this is why no matter what happens I have the power to forgive. To love someone's faults as well as their virtues. To dare to do things that may be embarrassing, or shameful, or risky. To embrace the things that others may find frightening and also to enjoy the emotions that wash over me when I am sad. Not to hesitate when others laugh. Not to turn and run when I'm told 'no'. Not to become bitter or resentful when I am hurt by friends, but try to understand. And, if you know me, you know I am loving, but not naive. I am sweet, but innocent. I am friendly, but no fool. If you were forgiven by me, Thank You. If you were loved by me, Thank You. You gave me the opportunity to make myself better and I am eternally grateful.
Reflections From "Tuesdays With Morrie" by Mitch Abrom
"Take any emotion - love for a woman, or grief for a loved one, or what I'm going through, fear and pain from a deadly illness. If you hold back on the emotions - if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them - you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the grief. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.
"But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say, 'All right. I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment'."
I believe in this. I believe in this wholly and completely. I believed in these words before I read them. When I read them they were familiar, like the words had appeared for my benefit, and to prove to me that I am correct. At least in this. At least in this belief. To push away time, and people, and judgements, and emotions. To absorb what is happening and throw myself into it, into the person, into the moment, into the place, into whatever I so choose to be absorbed by.
I believe that this is why no matter what happens I have the power to forgive. To love someone's faults as well as their virtues. To dare to do things that may be embarrassing, or shameful, or risky. To embrace the things that others may find frightening and also to enjoy the emotions that wash over me when I am sad. Not to hesitate when others laugh. Not to turn and run when I'm told 'no'. Not to become bitter or resentful when I am hurt by friends, but try to understand. And, if you know me, you know I am loving, but not naive. I am sweet, but innocent. I am friendly, but no fool. If you were forgiven by me, Thank You. If you were loved by me, Thank You. You gave me the opportunity to make myself better and I am eternally grateful.
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Wednesday, January 07, 2009
Away
I found you...
half your face is buried in a pillow and your sweet eyes look back. you find me beautiful, but the beautiful one is you.
And why can I not breathe sometimes, the world closes in on me, and why can I not see sometimes, it's just never enough.
I wake to find you sitting on the edge of the bed crying softly. extending arms to enfold you, my heart melts and I Fight to take it all away. i Pray i can take it all away. maybe all my schooling and education and all my psychobabble can take it all away.
the palm of my hands find the shape of your face and I'm angry someone somewhere didn't pay
Away
I found you...
half your face is buried in a pillow and your sweet eyes look back. you find me beautiful, but the beautiful one is you.
And why can I not breathe sometimes, the world closes in on me, and why can I not see sometimes, it's just never enough.
I wake to find you sitting on the edge of the bed crying softly. extending arms to enfold you, my heart melts and I Fight to take it all away. i Pray i can take it all away. maybe all my schooling and education and all my psychobabble can take it all away.
the palm of my hands find the shape of your face and I'm angry someone somewhere didn't pay
Friday, January 09, 2009
Friday, January 09, 2009
The Crab
I pull you, very slowly from the inside. Sticky sweet. And tug the strings. Heartaching. Where are you? Have I swallowed you up. Absorbed completely. Or are you waiting, until it's safe again. When I'm calm and warm. Like the sea down South. In Spring.
The Crab
I pull you, very slowly from the inside. Sticky sweet. And tug the strings. Heartaching. Where are you? Have I swallowed you up. Absorbed completely. Or are you waiting, until it's safe again. When I'm calm and warm. Like the sea down South. In Spring.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
waiting
waiting, wrenched by your silhouette
torn down limb by limb, pride and ego
vanity crumbles and laying bare
a carmel hand scratches the surface skin of a white world.
a tugging of accents at my ear
screeching to a halt,
flowing in harmony with another
that would like to understand me.
against tides too big I throw my body
and throw deceptive glances
that catch in the diamonds that hold the sun captive in water.
there is hope there, and promise.
it needs time to come to fruition, so I float,
and decide to wait.
waiting
waiting, wrenched by your silhouette
torn down limb by limb, pride and ego
vanity crumbles and laying bare
a carmel hand scratches the surface skin of a white world.
a tugging of accents at my ear
screeching to a halt,
flowing in harmony with another
that would like to understand me.
against tides too big I throw my body
and throw deceptive glances
that catch in the diamonds that hold the sun captive in water.
there is hope there, and promise.
it needs time to come to fruition, so I float,
and decide to wait.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Miami
mango, hibiscus, sand, and coral
white linen suits in Little Havana
roaches bigger than hands and feet, faster than mouths, hungrier than dirty faces begging in the streets.
avocado, pulled pork, chicharrones, arroz y frijoles
dame de comer
when I think of home...my mom doesn't much come to mind.
tangled sheets
cold air conditioning from the humming wall unit in East Hialeah.
no Bailey's Cafe for spics
heat waves; mirages of success and beauty and
friendships
a memory for every square inch of the big city
El Gato Tuerto me hizo reir because that was the first place
I bought beer legally and they never asked for
I.D.
Chango y Oshun come hold everyone but me.
street vendors pushing mamoncillos y limones y perico
dime lo que quieres and its there.
Miami
mango, hibiscus, sand, and coral
white linen suits in Little Havana
roaches bigger than hands and feet, faster than mouths, hungrier than dirty faces begging in the streets.
avocado, pulled pork, chicharrones, arroz y frijoles
dame de comer
when I think of home...my mom doesn't much come to mind.
tangled sheets
cold air conditioning from the humming wall unit in East Hialeah.
no Bailey's Cafe for spics
heat waves; mirages of success and beauty and
friendships
a memory for every square inch of the big city
El Gato Tuerto me hizo reir because that was the first place
I bought beer legally and they never asked for
I.D.
Chango y Oshun come hold everyone but me.
street vendors pushing mamoncillos y limones y perico
dime lo que quieres and its there.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
the call
her belly is rouning out now, two months left
she looks up at me
tries to conjure up sweet smiles and mews
knowingly, attempts to persuade
the vet hasn't called back
when she does I'll take her in and get her taken care of
kittens and all
in the trash
something reminds me, something intimate
waving it away,
a memory like a fly
what would I do with them?
no, its better this way. the vet said.
so I wait for the call
to take her in
to empty her out.
the call
her belly is rouning out now, two months left
she looks up at me
tries to conjure up sweet smiles and mews
knowingly, attempts to persuade
the vet hasn't called back
when she does I'll take her in and get her taken care of
kittens and all
in the trash
something reminds me, something intimate
waving it away,
a memory like a fly
what would I do with them?
no, its better this way. the vet said.
so I wait for the call
to take her in
to empty her out.
Tuesday July 07, 2009
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Apology to Her
Waking up beside her was what everyone wants.
Sweet, slow, love in between warm sheets
counting myself lucky for the even flowing rhythm
the easy going conversation
laidback, down-to-earth, let's lay in bed all day
kind of comfortable love.
Exactly one year later I woke to find my
thighs were lonely, my passions cold.
My voice was lost; now whispers in her ear.
Travelling her skin made me forget the world
kept me settled and submissive
my fierce hunger contented only with milk.
Apology to Her
Waking up beside her was what everyone wants.
Sweet, slow, love in between warm sheets
counting myself lucky for the even flowing rhythm
the easy going conversation
laidback, down-to-earth, let's lay in bed all day
kind of comfortable love.
Exactly one year later I woke to find my
thighs were lonely, my passions cold.
My voice was lost; now whispers in her ear.
Travelling her skin made me forget the world
kept me settled and submissive
my fierce hunger contented only with milk.
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