Monday, December 22, 2008
a Time
I love you so much. When I lay my head on your chest, I can close my eyes and breathe you in and feel at peace...but it's just momentary. No matter how many times I breathe and talk myself down, the mess in my head will tumble back around and I have to put one foot on the floor to get my head straight. Yes. It's the same room, same bed, same pale blue eyes that I felt safe and secure just a bit ago. What happened?
It's that old-familiar itch. It's not you. I don't want this to sound like a cliche. It really is me. My head is elsewhere and I need to go look for it. I need to get away. Can't seem to feel well enough for much else.
You're on the road right now, and you won't read this for a very long time. You love me and you trust me and you still smile at the thought of me. I love that. I adore you. Your skin still draws me in, but I'm turned around looking for myself somewhere, somewhere I don't know. I don't know, baby. What do I do? And I can't tell you how much, how much I want to want to stay...
Maybe this is my way of reaching out. Fighting myself for the trophy of living a life without doubt, without regrets. But every day that passes takes more of something I have not yet grasped completely. Maybe you will never understand. How can a woman lay at your feet and love you like I do, and still feel so very empty? I don't understand it myself. It is the only constant I've ever known. The feeling of needing to love myself more and more.
Oh...I want to feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair...sink my toes in the sand again. A fleeting memory...
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